By Lisa Cohn

In 1989, when my first child was a year old, I decided that sharing a nanny with other parents in my neighborhood was a perfect solution to my daycare dilemmas. It would provide my son with social interaction, keep him in the neighborhood while I worked from home, allow us to grow closer to our neighbors and reduce my daycare costs.

However, I didn’t know I needed advanced degrees in community organizing, assertiveness, mind-reading and personality disorders to make such a venture work for my family.

A few days after I launched my daycare dream, two frantic neighbors showed up at my doorstep at 8:30 a.m. with their one-year-olds in tow. They knew they were early, but had meetings scheduled, they said. Could I watch their kids until the nanny arrived?

Ten minutes later, my nanny called to say she was sick, and I was left alone with three 1-year-olds and a magazine article due in a few hours.

About a year later, our nanny decided to bring her 5-year-old nephew to work. “He’ll help take care of the other kids,” she promised. That day, the 5-year-old set fire to my house. The children escaped uninjured, but I was left with the task of re-building my home while a trio of 2-year-olds and their nanny played peek-a-boo in the charred remains of my once lovely home.

Eight years later, when I gave birth to my second child, and in spite of the obstacles, I decided that sharing a nanny would best serve our family’s needs. With crushed neighborhood friendships, numerous outbreaks of head lice, a half-dozen nannies and a surprise house re-construction behind me, I had uncovered the secrets of a successful nanny share.

The Secrets
Sharing a nanny can provide young children with critical social skills, imbue kids with a sense of community, save money and create lifelong friendships among parents. However, before parents can reap such benefits, they need to know how to choose the right daycare partners. They must fine-tune their negotiating skills and establish some critical ground rules.

“If done right, nanny sharing can solve all the negatives of early child care,” says Erika Karres, Ed.D., author of "Make Your Kids Smarter," "Violence Proof Your Kids Now," and other parenting books. “Your child has a playmate, a stable base, a consistent day care provider, and a loving and stimulating environment.”

To help ensure your nanny share will be successful, you and your spouse should begin by identifying three or four important priorities, suggests Karres. Ask your potential nanny share partners to state their priorities, as well. Why do you want to share a nanny? How do you want your child to spend his or her time with the care provider? Do you want the kids to play outside, watch movies, do art projects, learn a foreign language?

“Everyone has radically different parenting styles about issues such as TV watching and nap time,” says Stacy DeBroff, president and founder of Mom Central, Inc. (www.momcentral.com).

If you can’t agree on these issues, you may be in trouble. You may find yourself arguing with your partners and talking behind their backs, she says.

“If you see qualities in the other family that you don’t want to be connected to, then you’re probably not a good ‘fit’ for sharing nannies with that family,” says Erin Brown Conroy, author of “20 Secrets to Success With Your Child.”

The Ground Rules
If you do find partners who have similar values and goals about how to raise children, you’re off to a great start. Don’t relax yet! You and your partners need to establish some very important ground rules.

1. Decide How Much Day Care You and Your Partners Need

You should be clear about how much daycare you need. And all parents should commit to paying the nanny for a given amount of care, whether or not their child shows up. Otherwise, one of the partners will be forced to pay the nanny when the other’s child stays home. I experienced this problem many times in my early nanny share days. Believe me, it leads to resentment. You don’t want to be fuming at your daycare partner when she arrives with her child each morning!

2. Decide How Much and How to Pay The Nanny

You and your partners need to decide how much you will pay the nanny, and how much sick time and vacation time she receives. These issues can quickly become complicated. If she’s sick and you have to hire a substitute care provider, do you pay your nanny for sick time, anyway? It’s important to establish a system that shows your nanny how valuable she is. Consider paying her even if she’s sick. Otherwise, she may view you as unsupportive and negative. Remember, she’s caring for a very important person!

3. Create A Backup Plan

You need to establish backup plans for caring for children when the nanny is sick or one of the kids is sick. In many cases, the parents are willing to fill in as care providers under these circumstances. But if you need to hire a backup provider, be sure you have identified that provider. Otherwise, you may discover, like I did, that your daycare partner’s daughter has head lice and you don’t have a backup plan!

4. Choose A Location or Locations

Some parents decide that the nanny will only care for children at one house; others choose to have the nanny stay at one house a few days a week, and another house the rest of the week. Whatever you decide, be sure to let the nanny know how much housework you expect of her.

“Having someone else’s kid in your house creates mess,” says DeBroff. “You need to decide in advance how much the kids should be picked up after.” When I share a nanny in my home, I ask her to stay for an extra half hour to clean up after the children and ask the other parents to help pay for that time.

Moving Ahead
Having established some of these important ground rules, continue to move slowly. Plan a trial week or a trial month, advises Karres. If you decide the children involved in this daycare arrangement aren’t compatible, it’s best to start again and find new partners. And if your gut tells you your partners aren’t “right,” listen to that message! I made the mistake of partnering with the wrong family, then waiting too long before breaking off the relationship. I suffered through too many sleepless nights before moving on and starting all over again.

While you’re moving forward slowly with your daycare arrangement, check for signs that the nanny prefers one family or one child over another, advises Conroy. “In sharing nannies, there’s a high potential for the nanny to compare children, compare families, and build stronger ties with one family over another,” she says. “Such unintentional alliances may drive wedges between families and relationships, causing hurt feelings.” Communicate with the nanny about your desire for her to treat the families equally.

Once you believe you’ve found good partners, consider planning weekly meetings with them. “There are always issues that come up,” says DeBroff. “You have to almost schedule weekly meetings, even if it is 15-minute phone call.”

Once your daycare plan begins working smoothly, congratulate yourself. You have established a very special environment for your child or children—an environment that will reap benefits for years to come.

“Nanny sharing is a community builder,” says Nichola Zaklan, a parent in Portland, Ore. who shares a nanny. “It integrates your place in the community as an adult with other parents in a real way. You work hard with other parents to create something that benefits the children.”

About the Author: Lisa Cohn is a freelance writer and co-author of “One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories And Advice For Stepfamilies.” Learn more by visiting www.stepfamilyadvice.com.