Excerpts
from One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories And Advice For Stepfamilies
by Lisa Cohn and William Merkel, Ph.D.
In One Family, Two Family, New Family, authors Lisa Cohn and Bill Merkel provide “his” and “hers” stories about how they formed their stepfamily. They weave in stories from other stepfamilies, as well as advice from Bill, a Ph.D. clinical psychologist, about a number of stepfamily challenges, including: dating as a single parent, dealing with angry ex-spouses, being alone with stepchildren and deciding how to “blend” in families.
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Choose one of the chapter topics listed at the bottom of this page.
Here are some short excerpts:
Dating As A Single Parent:
BILL
As you begin to date, slow down and give yourself time. You may surprise yourself.
You may find you enjoy being alone with your children. You may discover you
can stretch enough to work, pick up the kids from day care, cook for them,
read to them and put them to bed everyday. If you learn to revel in your children,
you will discover just how precious they are and how much you have to give.
You’ll be much choosier about your dates; you won’t want just
anyone to spend time with your kids.
After my own divorce, I grieved for a year. During that time period, I had
no interest in dating or even fantasizing as I tried to read the personal
ads in the local paper. Then, just as spring began its mischief, I formulated
my one-woman-a-year plan: Every relationship should be all honeymoon, short
and uncomplicated. I would try to find one girlfriend a year. I would never
get married again.
The idea was not to be a womanizer, or to treat anyone badly. My reason was
simple: I wanted to avoid pain.
Lisa was the surprise that diverted me from my plan; I like to think of her
as my reprieve.
Alone With Stepchildren
LISA
During my adventure alone with my son, Travis, and Bill’s kids, Chris and
Emily, I realized: I had a lot more tolerance for my own kid’s horrid
behavior. I couldn’t stand any more of Chris’s and Emily’s tattling and
fighting. I didn’t care if Travis bowled over 12 vases of roses, at least he
didn’t tattle and fight!
I knew Julie Andrews in “The Sound of Music” would surely stop
Chris’s and Emily’s battling by inspiring them with poetry, engaging
them in song, or challenging them to a footrace in the cul-de-sac outside.
But all I wanted to do was yell. At the top of my lungs.
I longed for Bill’s dependable, sensible presence: He would know what
to do. He could relieve me of his kids, and I could drop to my knees and create
something colorful with scissors and tape. I could simply play with his kids,
who would enjoy my knack for putting together colors that clashed. I wouldn’t
have to be in charge, and his kids maybe would even learn to like me.
“Chris and Emmy, go to your rooms! Now!” I yelled.
“You’re not the boss of me,” said Chris.
Now what? I had no idea how to react.
When To “Blend Families” And When To Stay Separate
BILL
I was terrified of how Lisa organized and stocked and maintained her refrigerator.
In fact, for me, the refrigerator was a symbol for the way Lisa and her son,
Travis, led their lives.
If there was any kind of organizational structure to the refrigerator, it
defied all rational analysis. Nothing had a place in Lisa’s refrigerator;
everything was just thrown together. So, if I were brave enough to open the
door, I might find some sort of ill-formed, half-fermented liquid stuff in
the egg container place; I’d find fruit in the meat dish. Whenever I
opened the freezer, half the contents fell out.
Given that for me, venturing into Lisa’s refrigerator was like embarking
on a wildlife safari, we decided it would be best not to “blend”
our refrigerators. It made no sense to force our radically different styles
on one another.
In many cases, blending everything together in families is a bad idea, especially
if it is driven by an abstract, ethereal or romantic notion that everything
should be shared. Divorced parents often believe that when two families move
in together, their lives will quickly gel into one “blended” integrated
harmonious whole simply because they are now sharing some geographic space.
I can say this with confidence: It’s not a good idea for families to
“blend” by throwing all their possessions into a common pot. And
it’s not a good idea for stepfamilies to insist on acting like a single
family unit every minute of every day.
Coming together takes time. It can’t be forced.
The Ex-Spouses Who Never Go Away—And Shouldn’t
BILL
As soon as the phone message began, I could hear the anger in my ex-wife’s
voice. Linda said the pregnancy news, coming without warning from my children,
Chris and Emily, permeated her Thanksgiving dinner. Linda reminded me that we
agreed I would let her know before telling the kids.
“I don’t get it,” Lisa said. “Do we have to tell our
ex-spouses about everything we plan to do?”
Part of me understood my ex-wife’s desire for a warning, for information
about our decision to tell the kids about the baby. But that wasn’t
the problem; it was my ex-wife’s anger.
A famous philosopher once said he had mastered the fine art of silence in
14 languages. That’s what divorced parents need to do; often, the best
response to an ex-spouse’s angry statements is silence. When your ex
is full of heat, there’s very little you or she can say that will be
helpful or conciliatory. It’s simply the wrong time for a real discussion.
When your ex is very angry, tell your ex, “I don’t want to have
a fight right now. We can talk about this later.” If your ex continues
to talk, don’t participate. Everyone will lose. Neither you nor your
ex will be open to anything resembling genuine empathy for the other person’s
point of view.
The truth was, if I ignored the anger in Linda’s phone call, I managed
to take away this message: We had robbed Linda of the opportunity to respond
fully to the kids’ concerns. That made some sense to me.
But at that moment, Lisa urged me to follow exactly the wrong course.
Responding To A Child’s Pain About Her New Stepfamily
BILL
That night, (after I told Emily we would buy a house in Lisa’s and
Travis’s neighborhood), Emily burrowed beneath the desk in her bedroom
and crouched into a fetal position with her stocking-clad legs tucked under
her.
“I don’t want to change schools!” she cried. “I love
my school. I love my friends.” She sobbed and sobbed in a way I had
never seen her cry before.
That night and every night for months to come, when I tucked her in, she cried
like that. Every night I wound up feeling like I had screwed up her life.
As a psychologist, I knew that to see her through this pain, I needed to hold
her and listen to her, to acknowledge her feelings. But her crying ignited
my own ambivalence about our move. In some ways, I felt Chris, Emily and I
were carrying too much of the sacrifice needed to unite our families. Travis
would stay in Portland; Travis would remain at his old school and see his
old friends everyday. Emily and Chris would not.
LISA
In an attempt to ease Emily’s sadness, I launched a campaign to demonstrate
how much fun it would be for Chris and Emily to live with my son, Travis.
“You guys can walk in the woods behind our house with the flashlight
that straps to Travis’s head,” I said.
“We could walk in the woods at our old house,” said Emily.
“You can go out on our roof at night and check out the stars,”
I said.
“There were stars at our old house,” said Chris.
I was tempted to learn how to juggle, to pretend I was double-jointed, to
don multi-colored masks and to shower Chris and Emily with gifts.
But soon I realized: I had to live with Emily’s pain. I simply had to
wait for time to heal her sadness. Of all the lessons I needed to learn about
stepfamilies, that was the hardest: learning to wait, to simply wait, with
my heart open and my mouth closed.
How Relatives and Friends View New Stepfamilies
LISA
“I always thought Bill needed a nanny,” Bill’s mom told
me. “Chris and Emily spend so much time in child care on the days they
are with Bill. And Bill’s so tired when he brings them home at night,
he can barely stand up.”
She looked me up and down, as if trying to decide if I would fit the job description.
She paused. She sized up my black jeans, sneakers and cotton boat-necked top.
She examined my dark hair, then my cheeks, which were surely crimson by now,
given that their temperature had zoomed in response to her stare.
I worried: She thinks I’m too young for Bill.
I fretted: She’s sure I complicate his life.
I wondered: Does she believe I’d actually take over the job of caring
for Bill’s kids on a day-to-day basis?
She turned away from me for a moment and checked on Bill. With his right hand
he frantically dabbed mustard on half the kids’ sandwiches; with his
left hand he spooned mayonnaise onto the others. A dab of mustard appeared
on the side of his ear.
She looked away from him--wistfully, I thought.
I was tempted to rush to Bill’s side and demonstrate my prowess in the
kitchen. First, I’d don an apron. Then I’d jog from counter to
refrigerator, singing a happy 1920s tune. With grace and super-speed I’d
unveil the sandwich bread, prepare the turkey breast and apply the condiments.
I took a deep breath. I squared my shoulders and reminded myself that I once
was the kind of girl most boys liked to bring home to their mothers.
I gazed into her warm pastel eyes. I never let on that I longed for an affectionate
touch, a loving gesture, a few words of praise--any sign at all--that she
liked me just a little.
“Maybe you’re right,” I said. “Maybe Bill needs a
nanny.”
To receive a complete chapter, e-mail info@stepfamilyadvice.com
Choose one of these topics:
Dating As Single Parents
First Encounters With Stepchildren
Insiders And Outsiders In Stepfamilies
Waiting For Love From Stepchildren
Alone With Stepchildren
Committing To A Stepfamily With His, Hers and Our Kids
When The Reality Of Forming A Stepfamily Hits Home
When To “Blend” In Stepfamilies, When To Stay Separate
The Worst Of Times
“Who’s In Your StepFamily On Tuesday?” And Other Questions
From Relatives, Friends And Neighbors
The Ex-Spouses Who Never Go Away…And Shouldn’t
Coming Together In Stepfamilies
Establishing New Traditions in Stepfamilies
Epilogue: Still Breathing
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Buy The Book: One
Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories And Advice For Stepfamilies.
Published by RiverWood Books, Ashland, Oregon
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