Julia, a coordinator for gifted children in Ohio, says her stepgrandson is a gifted child, but the boy’s father doesn’t want him to receive special education designed to meet his needs. He’s afraid the boy will become a “geek.”

How should Julia, a steprelative and gifted specialist, behave, given the father’s resistance to special education for his child?

In another stepfamily in Julia’s district, the mother’s children were identified as “gifted,” and the father’s children were not. The father was “irate” when he learned that his daughter was not labeled by the district as gifted, she says.

How should this stepfamily grapple with the father’s anger?

When a child in a stepfamily is gifted, kids and adults can face challenges in the form of anger, resentment and conflict. Mom and Stepdad may argue about how best to meet the gifted child’s needs. Kids may complain that Frankie gets all the attention. Meanwhile, ex-wives and ex-husbands may provide their two cents worth in the form of competitive behavior or criticism of the talented child.

“In a stepfamily, your kids may be struggling with math and you marry someone whose kid is an Einstein,” says Elaine Fantle Shimberg, a stepgrandmother and author of “Blending Families: A Guide For Parents, Stepparents, Grandparents and Everyone Building A Successful New Family.”

“ It can create problems,” she says.

Adds Peter Gerlach MSW, a therapist based in Oak Park, Ill. who specializes in stepfamilies, “If a new stepsibling is bright or talented or funny, it’s likely to bring out in stepsiblings the chance to feel shamed or inadequate and to have problems with the gifted kid.” At the same time, the gifted child’s stepparent may feel the need to protect his or her child, he says. “If I’m a stepparent with a biological kid and my stepkid is a lot smarter than my biological kid, it can trigger a need to make my child feel less inferior,” he says.

It’s understandable when adults and children feel jealous and resentful of a bright child and protective of his or her siblings. However, when a child in a stepfamily is exceptionally advanced in math, art, athletics or other areas, it’s critical for parents and stepparents to understand that this child has special needs. The family’s school or sports system may not be equipped to challenge and engage a gifted child and allow him or her to thrive, says Marjorie DeBuse, Ph.D., director of Youth Enrichment and Talented And Gifted (TAG) Programs at the University of Oregon’s College of Education.

However, while parents are working to meet a gifted child’s needs, they must work hard to ensure the other children in the family feel loved and appreciated for their special qualities, experts say. But that doesn’t mean behaving as if all the children are the same.

“In an attempt to show equal love and concern in a blended family, we try to say, ‘We love you all the same,’” says Deborah L. Ruf, Ph.D., a stepmother, specialist in gifted children, and author of “Losing Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind.”
“ That’s good,” she says. “But that doesn’t mean they have to be all the same to warrant our loving them. We need to recognize that our children vary in their interests and talents and abilities. If we have to pretend that these differences don’t occur, we will not be meeting the very different and individual needs of the children in our lives.”

While there’s no one-size-fits-all way to meet bright children’s needs, they are more likely to thrive under certain conditions, says DeBuse. They should spend time with intellectual peers and feel as if it’s okay to be smart. They ought to be evaluated to ensure their education challenges them. They excel when they’re offered opportunities to explore topics that are deeply meaningful to them. What’s more, these kids are more likely to thrive in a flexible system that allows them to accelerate, she says.

Given that gifted children often need more than what’s offered in a traditional school system, parents and stepparents should work together—hopefully hand in hand with the child’s “other” biological parent—to recognize the child’s talents and gifts and create a plan for the child, says Ruf, who raised gifted children in a stepfamily.

If adults and children in stepfamilies are facing conflict or tension over a gifted child, they should begin by sitting down together, preferably with both biological parents, all stepparents and other interested relatives, Ruf says. They may want to hire a mediator, family therapist or gifted specialist to help them.

At such meetings, parents of the bright children should explain that they want the stepfamily to work well, she says. A parent might say, “My child has special needs and this has created conflicts in the family,” she suggests. Parents should be careful about how they talk about their children, she cautions. Using certain descriptions--such as smart or quick or talented--can create the impression that the parent thinks his child is “superior,” she says.

“You might say, ‘My child needs to keep learning. My child needs more challenge,’ or ‘We need to find an environment that is right for him.’” Some parents may want to explain that often, bright children struggle socially because they use vocabulary or tell jokes that their peers don’t understand, she notes. In that case, it’s important to talk about the child’s social or emotional needs.

During the meeting or meetings, the parents, stepparents and gifted experts may decide the child is best suited for a private school, advanced courses, enrichment classes or other programs.

Once they identify the child’s needs, parents should decide how those needs will be met, and who will be responsible for helping meet them, says Gerlach. They may even consider creating job descriptions for each adult, he says. For example, a stepfather who excels in science might help a child who is strong in science.

While they’re creating a family plan for the gifted child, parents should try to ensure the other children in the family feel loved and valued, says Ruf. That means focusing on their personal attributes.

“You have to concentrate on the children’s personal qualities. For example, you enjoy being with this child. They show interest. They are compassionate. You need to concentrate on the essence of each child,” she says. “Find the different things that fit them so they will be comfortable and proud of themselves.”

Each child and adult in a family has strengths and challenges, says Patricia Papernow, a psychologist in Hudson, Mass. and author of “Becoming A Stepfamily.”

Parents need to discuss both strengths and challenges for all family members, she says. She suggests parents read Mel Levine’s book, “All Kinds Of Minds,” wirtten for elementary aged children. In it, Levine describes five children—and their dogs. Levine identifies each child’s and each dog’s talents and challenges, Papernow says.

One stepmother in Ohio wrestled with her children’s and stepchildren’s talents and challenges. Both her biological kids and two of her stepchildren were identified as gifted academically. One of her stepsons, however, was “average,” she says. Her son was four years’ ahead of her “average” stepchild in math, for example.

Her solution: She searched for the “average” child’s strengths, and focused on them as much as possible.

“We always praised the average child whenever he did something well. We always told the kids that all people have strengths and weaknesses. His strengths were leadership and his people skills,” she says. She notes that those skills are very valuable life skills and that they allowed her “average” stepchild to feel successful.

The Ohio stepmom also encouraged the children—who didn’t all live in her home at the same time—to help each other with schoolwork. She encouraged her son, who is strong in math, to help her daughter in math, while her daughter helped her son with English.

“It is expected in this home that people help each other without the egos getting in the way,” she says.

In the Ohio stepmom’s home, everyone was recognized for his or her special qualities. Sometimes it’s hard for parents and stepparents to provide this recognition in what feels like a fair fashion, especially if one child shines in many different areas. Families can fall into the trap of spending too much time watching a gifted child “perform,” says Shimberg.

But they don’t need to do that, she says. Many gifted children get a lot of positive attention simply by doing what they do well, she says. When a gifted child excels in many ways—academics, sports and art, for example--parents should be careful to balance the family’s attendance at such a child’s performances or activities, she notes.

For example, parents shouldn’t insist that other siblings attend all the child’s sports, theater and academic performances. But they should be sure to attend each child’s important events, Shimberg says.

“You don’t have to go to all events as a family. But for important events or tournament games, you want to cheer them on,” Shimberg says.

However, parents should be sure to give special recognition to a gifted child by spending “alone time” with him or her, notes Ruf. Biological parents of gifted children should be available to discuss, one-on-one, their child’s special abilities and the reactions those abilities elicit in others. Most gifted children understand implicitly that they shouldn’t brag about their accomplishments in public, Ruf says. But they need to know that they can always speak privately to their parents about how they feel and how others might respond to them, she says.

If parents are doing a good job of appreciating and supporting each child in their stepfamily, it’s likely the gifted child will be very modest about his or her abilities. And it’s also likely that the child’s stepsiblings, siblings and stepparents will all be very proud of the child.

In her own family, one of Ruf’s stepdaughters gave tours of Ruf’s house and bragged about the fact that her exceptionally talented stepbrother—Ruf’s son-- lived in the house.

“If the siblings and stepsiblings are proud, you know you are handling this the right way,” Ruf says.

Writer Lisa Cohn is co-author of the recently released book, One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories And Advice For Stepfamilies, which is a 2004 Gold National Parenting Publications Award Winner. For more information, visit www.stepfamilyadvice.com.