Stories from Stepfamilies

On this page, we share stories from stepfamilies. If you’d like to share an anecdote or tale about your stepfamily or respond to a story posted here, please e-mail us at info@stepfamilyadvice.com.

Our first stories focus on how divorced parents interact with their ex-spouse’s new partners and their children.

Please e-mail us with your comments, criticism, suggestions, thoughts or advice about these stories, this page, or about our book, One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories And Advice For Stepfamilies.

To Order the book, Click Here

--Lisa Cohn and William Merkel

Husband’s Ex-Wife Tries To Sabotage Stepmom’s Relationship With Stepkids—And Stepmom Learns How To Cope

"After we all began living together, Fred’s ex-wife kept trying to sabotage the kids’ relationship with me. His ex-wife said rotten things about me and Fred. They would treat me like I was a visitor. Their mother told them to do that. They were disrespectful. And they would get between him and me physically.

" When one of the girls called the house, she would say, ‘Hello, is my dad there?’ She wouldn’t talk to me. On weekends, she ignored me.

" We thought that if we were in a home together as a couple, that would help things go a little smoother. For a little while it did. But we had our good weekends and bad weekends. Usually, between all of us, someone was not happy. And if we had a good weekend, Fred got nasty phone calls from his ex-wife.

"(During this early phase), I didn’t spend time with Fred’s ex-wife, Vicki; it was never an option

" I didn’t go with Fred to pick up the kids at his ex-wife’s house. I stayed in the car when he was dropping the kids off. Vicki never came out of the house when we were there. She stayed as far away from us as she could. I didn’t want to engage with her about anything.

"I didn’t go to school functions. I was not interested in going to them. I don’t have kids, didn’t see those as things I had to be at.

"Then Fred’s older daughter, Cara, began living with us. One night, she had a snowball dance in school. For the snowball, the kids and their parents go to a friend’s house and have their photos taken. I decided, I’ll go to the snowball, even though Vicki will be there. Cara is my daughter, too. We went, and Vicki stayed away from me. Cara was real proud of me; she introduced me as her stepmom. I decided I wouldn’t avoid Vicki anymore. I realized my anxiety about seeing Vicki was making too much of it. I just finally took a step, and said, ‘I have every right to be with my stepdaughter.’ I am now willing to go places where Vicki is. And I do it for Cara."

--Gerry Miale, Denver, Col., who tells her whole story in the book, "One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories And Advice For Stepfamilies."

Stepmom Has Hope That Her Husband And His Ex Will Now Get Along

“For many years, dealing with my husband’s ex was very difficult. Every other weekend, my husband, Del, and I travelled three hours to visit my stepdaughter, Madison, Del’s daughter. If we showed up five minutes early, Madison’s mother wouldn’t let us see her. Madison’s mother prohibited all phone contact between Madison and our family between visits, even though we have joint custody of Madison.

“We had no sports schedules and no access to Madison’s teachers. Madison’s mom talked to the school in an effort to ensure they felt uncomfortable with Del. We reduced our communication with Madison’s mom to faxing. If Del tried to talk to his ex on the phone, Madison’s mom berated and criticized Del. She even spread a false rumor that Del was having affairs with Madison’s friends’ mothers.

“Before Madison visited with us, Del’s ex told her that the visit would be difficult, and that they wouldn’t treat her like a daughter and sister, but like a stepchild. When Madison visited us at the age of five, she was always very nervous and often wet her bed.

“This all went on for about seven years. During this time, Del kept asking Madison’s mom to go to counseling with him to work on some issues. She always refused. He contacted a mediator twice and set up appointments, but his ex failed to show up. All along, we’ve been saying, ‘We need to improve communications.’

“All of a sudden, now that Madison is older and has her own voice, she says she wants her mother and father to get along. She told me that recently. I’m guessing she went to her mom and asked her to try harder. Recently, Del, for the 110th time, apologized to Madison’s mom for hurting her feelings in the past and asked her if she would have lunch with him before one of Madison’s soccer games. She said, ‘I’ve been waiting eight years for you to ask me that.’

“Since then, Madison’s mom has let us talk on the phone to her. And she let Madison call and share news about one of her soccer games. Del and I cried when she called. She hadn’t called us in seven years.

“Now I’m hoping that, for Madison’s sake, Del and Madison’s mom can work together. I hope Madison will be able to share her life with both her parents, without conflict.”

--Shauna Haley
Portland, Oregon

Stepmom Realized She Didn’t Need to Entice Her Stepsons To Like Her

When Tatiana Tannenbaum moved from Moscow, Russia to Portland, Oregon, along with her 2-month-old daughter, Maria, to marry Leb Tannenbaum, she had no idea what challenges awaited her.

Suddenly she found herself in Portland learning to adapt to a new culture and life with three stepsons who weren’t particularly excited to have her around, she says.

“ I had a life full of surprises,” says Mrs. Tannenbaum, who decided to move to the U.S. after falling in love with Mr. Tannenbaum during a marathon run in Moscow. That was 15 years ago.

“ For awhile, I thought if I tried really hard, the boys would finally recognize me and accept me for who I am,” she says.

To earn her stepsons’ acceptance, she cooked Russian meals, which the boys rejected. At times, she spoke English and felt as if no one understood her. It seemed all her efforts to win them over failed, she says.
Inspired by her mother, Mrs. Tannenbaum realized she didn’t have to entice her stepsons to like her. “I had to love myself and accept the fact that they might never connect with me,” she says.

Once she embraced this philosophy, it was easier for her to understand and empathize with her stepsons’ point of view, she says. “I was able to see what it was like having me in their life. I realized they didn’t always have it easy,” she says.

Mr. and Mrs. Tannenbaum now have two young children of their own, in addition to her three stepsons, who are now in their twenties. The “ours” children have helped bring the family together, Mrs. Tannenbaum says. In addition, patience, love and the passage of time have taught her many lessons about stepfamily life and have helped work miracles, she says.

“ Recently I shopped with my 25-year-old stepson for art supplies, and then went home and did an art project with all the kids. Years ago, I never believed this could happen,” she says. “We all really care about each other now.”

Stepmom Embraces Her Husband’s Ex-Wife and New Spouse As Part Of Her Family

“I never expected to get along so well with my husband's ex-wife and her new husband. Over the years we have grown quite close and the two families often celebrate Thanksgiving together. We live two hours away, and when either family is in the other's neighborhood, we dine together and stay as guests in each other’s homes. Recently I even put up my wife-in-laws’ (my humorous name for her) parents for a weekend.

“Over the years, I've come to appreciate how enriching the extended family relationship has been for my stepson and his siblings. One of his siblings (from his Mom's family) even said to my husband and me, ‘We kids really appreciate what you've done for us.’

“My own daughter, six years old, feels that this other family is an extension of her own and loves to visit. She treats them as uncle, aunt and cousins. Establishing a relationship with my stepson's family has been an enriching experience for all of us. It would never have occurred if it had not been for the warmth and hospitality that his mom extended to me and for that I will always consider myself fortunate.”

-- Lori Garin
Albuquerque, New Mexico

Stepmom Wishes Her Husband’s Ex-Wife Would Spend Child Support Money On Basics For The Children